Raise your hand if you’ve ever been told “you’re being way too nice, if it were me I would’ve…”. You can’t see me but I’m raising my hand. I’ve spent my life being “the nice friend”, but recently I’ve realized that I allowed my softness and sensitivity to become complacency and passiveness. It was as if someone had replaced the definition of “nice” with “pushover” in the dictionary and I was gullible enough to believe it.
I severely lacked boundaries and almost never spoke up for myself in attempt to never rock the boat, but spoiler alert: the problem with being “the nice friend” is that you stop being nice to yourself in the process of trying to be so nice to everyone else.
I only recently began to have this epiphany after months of feeling emotionally drained, and it left me feeling unsettled in some of my friendships. Had I been carrying this weight around to avoid a difficult and uncomfortable conversation with some of the people in my life? (Newsflash: I was definitely avoiding)
The truth is I had overstayed my welcome in certain friendships where I felt my kindness had been taken advantage of. Friendships where the same kindness and consideration hadn’t been reciprocated, and it was a strange feeling to come to terms with. To be quite honest the hardest part wasn’t even the betrayal of these friendships ending, it was the realization that I had betrayed myself; I had given up on making myself happy trying to hold onto my title of “the nice friend”. I had bitten my tongue too many times and held in all my feelings for fear of being perceived as overdramatic or problematic, and it had taken a huge toll on me.
After months of internal conflict and pent up emotion, I’d finally lost it. It all came out at once, all my thoughts and feelings in a jumbled mess of heated emotion and confusion. But the truth is I started to feel a little more okay the second I admitted that I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay feeling ignored and unvalued in my friendships anymore, and I definitely wasn’t okay keeping my mouth shut about it.
For some reason I thought that to be nice was to be quiet. I thought that to be nice, I had to make sure no one was ever uncomfortable or burdened by the weight of my feelings, and if you’ve ever been there I think you know how exhausting and lonely that can become.
So, if you’re the person that always gets told they’re being “too nice” I want to let you know, it isn’t a bad thing. There is a way to be gentle and kind, while maintaining boundaries and expectations. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Part of being “the nice friend” is knowing when to be nice to yourself too. Show yourself the same grace and kindness you do others, and know when to walk away from the places you no longer belong, without hard feelings.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re too nice, because the world needs more nice people. Be kind, be sensitive, be loving, and be all those things to yourself too.
